


and i would've stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life

by skysolo (PuppyWillGraham)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Character Study, F/M, Feelings, Gen, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Regret, hanleia (mention), skysolo (focus)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 20:52:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6093724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuppyWillGraham/pseuds/skysolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke Skywalker had felt a lot of emotions since he'd last seen Han Solo; happiness, longing, sadness, regret, and guilt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i would've stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from “how to save a life” by the fray.
> 
> this is for the skysolo sin bin™ gc on twitter. i love y'all. ♡

Luke Skywalker had felt a lot of emotions since he'd last seen Han Solo; happiness, longing, sadness, regret, and guilt.

 

The last one was what had urged him to leave, after feeling as if he'd failed both the older man and his own twin sister, Leia, along with their son, Ben. He had failed. He should've been able to prevent the younger Jedi in training from being seduced to the Dark Side, and yet he hadn't been able to.

 

Leia had assured Luke that it wasn't his fault—that there was something else entirely to pin the blame on—but Han hadn't really said anything. He'd looked torn, as if blaming himself for not being a good enough father, and the younger man could understand why he'd be more focused on his own feelings than trying to reassure the Jedi—besides, Leia was there for him, and that was almost enough. Luke could feel what Han was feeling, however, through the Force and the bond they shared—the one Luke still wasn't sure if Han even knew about.

 

The goodbye to his sister was swift, the slightly older twin explaining that it was the right thing for him to do—a self inflicted exhile—and Han was nowhere to be found. Again, Luke couldn't blame him for it. He refused, the feelings he'd long held for the older man making it a little bit easier.

 

The weary Jedi cloaks himself as soon as he makes his exit from the planet so as not to be found (or stopped—he doesn't think he'd be able to go ahead with this course of action if Han was to stop him now), the barren landscape of the island he'll reside at soon enough for however many years already clear in his mind. Perhaps that would be what he's best at—hiding away after creating a problem instead of solving it. Maybe he was more like Old Ben than he ever realized.

 

It doesn't hurt as much to think of Obi-wan Kenobi anymore—he's at a semblance of peace, surely, and the same could be said for his parents. It doesn't even hurt to think of being alone—he's been alone, in a way, for a long time, separated from others because of who he is (both a Jedi and a Skywalker). But it does hurt, however, to linger on the thought of not seeing Leia, and it hurts even more to have the memory of Han's disappointed face ingrained into his mind—he'd only ever wanted to do them proud, to do good by them, like the hero he was supposed to be.

 

It's unsurprising to him that as soon as he leaves, so too does Han leave Leia. He's unsure of what transpires between them in the lead up to it. He feels their hurt, how upset they both are—love hurts, he knows that as well as they do, even if his own isn't exactly conventional nor is it productive.

 

The guilt he feels makes him nauseous. How had he caused this mess? For failing Leia, Han, and Ben, he'd managed to tear the former apart.

 

Maybe he wasn't the only element of Han and Leia's break down, and maybe it was more complicated than that, but it didn't make him berate himself any less.

 

It's only a little surprising to him that he finds Han looking for him—they're both stubborn souls, Skywalker and Solo. He stays cloaked— _he's good at that_ , he thinks bitterly. He refuses to be found—he's not ready, and he doesn't know what he'll do when he's found.

 

Because it would never be a question of ' _if?_ ' with Han, it would always be a question of ' _when?_ '. The older man had always promised to find him when it was called for. When had he ever broken it?

 

Years pass, and Han still seeks him out. Years pass, and Luke still stays hidden. There's something bittersweet about having someone care about you so much that they'd travel from one end of the galaxy to the other to find you—with emphasis on the bitter when you just can't allow it, for the good of the pair of you.

 

That doesn't mean Luke doesn't feel for the other man through the Force, though.

 

Maybe it's a selfish act. Maybe he should stop allowing himself that whilst refusing Han. Maybe he's not a very good Jedi, letting emotions get the better of him.

 

It's when he's doubled over with tears in his eyes and a scream trapped right beneath his chin that he realizes something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong. The bond tethering Luke Skywalker to Han Solo _snaps_ , leaving him feeling a loss he hasn't felt in a very long time.

 

Except this time it's worse. He'd cared about Ben, but not to the extent he'd cared about Han. The extent he'll always care.

 

It hurts; right between his ribs, and right beneath his bones, and right within his chest cavity. 

 

It aches; right between his lungs, and right beneath the hand that clutches at his robes covering his chest above his heart, and right within his soul.

 

Luke doesn't know how long he stays curled up on the bed he's made for himself in a hut within a crevice on that island, attempting to make himself small, his arms aching as he clutches at his trembling form in the way he wants from the only man he cares about who is dead. Time seems meaningless and passes slowly. The guilt and regret he feels does not.

**Author's Note:**

> i think about luke skywalker feeling han solo's death through the force a lot. oops.
> 
> [twitter: @jacksbitty || tumblr: fluidbucky]


End file.
